Everything, ever said, in a TAXI

Special thanks to Spinal tap over on the forum for this list:

“I wouldn’t say you’re busy, are ye.”
“Are you first.”
“You’re not black, are ye?”
“Where ye from, Poland?”
“Do ye speak English.”
“Ye look chinese from behind.”
“Why don’t you take credit cards.”
“Why can’t I eat.”
“Why can’t I bring my drink.”
“I won’t spill it.”
“I’m paying for this taxi”( i.e., I can do what I want.)
“Have ye got a radio.”
“That’s not you in the picture.”
“The darkies have this game ruined, don’t they.”
“There’s too many taxis, isn’t there.”
“It’s impossible to get a taxi.”
“It’s like the Carslberg ad.”
“Why aren’t you on hailo.”
“What do ye think about uber.”
“You’re mad doing this job.” (i.e., this is a shit job.)
“I wouldn’t do this job.” (i.e., this job is beneath me.)
“I did this job years ago. I made my money and got out of it.”
“I did this job years ago. There was no money in it.”
“I/he/she won’t get sick.”
“Will ye stick 4 in the back.”
“Are ye on long?”
“I’d say you’ve been parked there a few hours, have ye.”
“I remember when I had to walk home to Balbriggan from town.”
“What’s this, a Camry?”
“Your seatbelts are broken.”
“Mister Taximan.”
“I only have €50.” (for a fiver fare)
“You’re a posh kunnt.”
“You don’t look/sound like a taxi driver.”
“You’re very quiet. Is there something wrong with ye.”
“If you don’t make money tonight you’ll never make it.”
“How much money do you make a week.”
“How much is your insurance.”
“What do you spend on fuel a week.”
“How much was this car.”
“How many hours a week do you work.”
“How many miles do ye do a year.”
“Ye must be a hungry kunnt.”
“Ah you’re only a part timer.”
“Are ye married.”
“Do ye have kids.”
“Are you a bender.”
“I got into a taxi driven by a black fella and there was a chinee in the picture.”
“I was in a taxi once and the driver fell asleep on the M50 and I had to grab the wheel.”
“I got an Indian driver the other day and he told me he’s only in the country a week.”
“Why did the guards give all these blacks licenses.”
“I’m suprised your car is clean. They’re usually filthy.”
“Will ye bring her home. She has money I think.”
“Are ye dangerous. Bring her home safely will ye.”
“He looks OK but text me when you’re home Sandra.”
“You sound too intelligent to be a taxi driver.”
“You’re a stupid kunnt. No wonder you drive a taxi.”
“I havta run into my apartment block to get money.”
“The code on the gate is 9526843.”
“I’m not gonna pull a burn on ye pal.”
“Don’t worry, you’ll get paid.”
“A big Mac meal, 2 medium cokes, 2 large chips, 2 cheeseburgers and a portion of onion rings.”
“Give us your phone there for a second.”
“Tell me about yourself.”
“What do ye do when you’re not driving a taxi.”
“Where do ye live.”
“Has anyone ever offered ye a blowjob when they had no money.”
“I’m going somewhere but I don’t know where it is.”
“Oh, you’re irish.”
“It’s very quiet around, isn’t it.”
“There’s nobody in there.” (i.e., you’re foolish for parking outside.)
“How come all those taxis are parked there.”
“Why are those taxis allowed park on double yellow lines.”
“Is this an official rank?”
“How long is this going to take.”
“Is this the fastest route?”
“€4.00 and the car hasn’t even moved yet.”
“Why did it cost €7.00. I never pay more than €6.00.”
“What are those extras for.”
“I’m reporting you to the carriage office.”
“How do I get lost property back.”
“This is a public service vehicle isn’t it.”
“left. no, right. no, left.”
“Will ye bother going back there now.”
“You’d want to be clearing x amount a week to make any kind of living.”
“You’re not allowed ask me for a deposit.”
“Your seats are damp here. I hope it’s not piss.”
“You’re driving very slowly.”
“Go around him, he’s a learner.”
“Ye could have gone through those lights.”
“You pulled away there and I didn’t have my belt on. It’s your responsibility to make sure it’s on.”
“It’s a tough job isn’t it. After your tax, insurance, fuel and maintenance costs you’ve very little left.”
“You’d be better off on the dole.”
“At least you’re working.”
“If you’re car breaks down you’re off the road aren’t ye.”
“Ye can’t make any money if you’re off the road, sure ye can’t. ”
“you’ve a bearing gone.”
“These seats are too nice for a taxi. They’ll be ruined in no time.”
“Get into the bus lane there. It’s quicker.”
“How’s the economy really doing. They say you should always ask taxi drivers to get a real picture.”
“There has to be money in this game. I don’t care what any of you taxi drivers say.”
“Are things picking up or are ye still struggling.”
“Do ye get many runners.”
“The Kesh, that’s what they call the airport isn’t it?”
“How much do people usually tip you.”
I say this to every taxi driver.”
“I wouldn’t walk through (*insert crime free affluent area) at night.”
“That’s a dump where you’re living. I got out of the there years ago.”
“Those gates are there to keep taxi drivers out.”
“Don’t ye have to pass some sort of test to become a taxi driver?”
“I got jumped there and got my nose broken for no reason.”
“Kunnts don’t like me for some reason.”
“Would you be one of these racist drivers?”
“Will ye wait here till I find my house keys.”
“Don’t you think my husband is a bastard.”
“Will ye wait here and watch me. I’m afraid to walk down that lane.”
“Hang on a second. I wanna make sure she gets in. She’s had problems in the past.”
“Fukk that kunnt. Go.”
“Only kn@ckers live around here.”
“Do you wanna go out with me sometime?”
“Do you think I’m ugly?”
“Why are you rejecting me?”
“Don’t be shy.”
“What do ye be doing parked here at this hour.”
“Do you not have a home to go to?”
“You look like you should be in a home.”
“God love ye. Isn’t it terrible.”
“Do ye not work?”
“Ye mean to tell me your car isn’t always this clean?”
“Why don’t you always keep your car clean?”
“Slow right down. I don’t want to be near that taxi in front.” ”
“They’ll be wondering why I’m not going with them. Pull in here and wait a while.”
“Do ye like picking up girls or fellas?
“I wouldn’t pick a girl up on her own. She’d tell people you tried to rape her.”
“I’d say people have made a few false allegations against ye, have they?”
“It’s against the law to film people.”
“Don’t work too hard now.”
“I think I’ve had you before.” (*countless times)
“What’s going on here. Any idea?”
“There’s blacks/indians/chinese sharing the same car and driving them 24/7 isn’t there. That’s not right.”
“The black cab taxi drivers in london don’t talk to ye at all.”
“Why are taxis not painted yellow like in every other country.”
“You should get yourself a protective screen. It probably wouldn’t work though.”
“It only takes one bad fare and you’re dead, isn’t that right.”
“Take the scenic long route.”
“I don’t give a fukk anymore.”
“Oh fukk is that a milk float?”
“Are you new.”
“Get a real job.”
“I’m a lady, ye can’t treat me like this.”
“Look at the fox.”
“I’ve pyrite.”
“Do you know what annoys me about taxi drivers.”
“Yiz made a fortune during the bus strike.”
“You bastards will be striking next.”
“Yiz held this town to ransom for years.”
“What do people be talking about when you pick them up.”
“When I drove a taxi I tried to get as many fares as possible.”
“I couldn’t get into the car anymore.”
“I could attack you and there’s nothing you could do.”
“You could attack me and there’s nothing I could do.”
“It’s for my safety and yours, you understand don’t you.”
“A fukkin mosque?”
“I hope they blow up my house.”
“What time do ye get out of bed.”
“Ah its OK. Don’t worry about it.” (*”bastard” mumbled under the breath)
“You’re odd.”
“Ye probably have weapons.”
“Do ye keep a comb in the car.”
“I’m wide to ye pal.”
“Michael O’Leary brings millions of tourists to this country. That’s good for you.”
“I can’t believe ye didnt know he had a taxi plate.”
“Do ye mean I could use the bus lanes if I had a taxi?”
“You’re not allowed use bus lanes unless you’ve someone in the car.”
“You can pick people up off the street can’t ye. That’s great isn’t it.”
“I can’t see in the dark.”
“Who was sitting here before me.”
“Are you a certified driver?”
“Ye brought all this on yourselves.”
“I walked away from my debts.”
“I’m a workaholic.”
“Ye didn’t have a chance, did ye.”
“Move over, I’m driving.”
“The Gresham rank is controlled by a mob isn’t it.”
“I prefer the foreigners to the irish lads.”
“The fella in front is in a coma.”
“Beep your horn at that w****r.”
“I’m taking you. Your light is the brightest.”
“Do ye ever just sit there and think.”
“What are ye looking at?”
“If he won’t drop him home he’s getting out here with me and that’s all you’ll get.” (*yuppie/toff haggler)
“Ye have to play the game sometimes. You’re a sport.” (*yuppie/toff haggler rebuked)
“They love the irish over there.”
“They should all be sent back home.”
“I have horses.” (Posh accent)
“I have horses.” (traveller accent)
“Didje pay your water charges.”
“Are those signs in miles or kilometres.”
“What speed are ye doing now.”
“Can I hold your hand.”
“Can ye pause the meter.”
“Ye owe me another 20 cent change.”
“I can’t walk in these heels.”
“Why are ye doing 80 in a 60 zone.”
“This is only 60 along here. It should be 80.”
“I’m gonna sit here and be quiet. Ye don’t mind, do ye.”
“Wayne Rooney is the best player in the world.”
“Wha? Suarez isn’t a diver.”
“It’s dodgy working town. Ye could be brought anywhere, isn’t that right.”
“I was kidnapped by a taxi driver once. But he let me go when I paid the fare.”
“Well you’re not getting that.”
“You’ll be watching the budget won’t ye.”
“People stay in for a while after the budget because they’re worried.”
“I’m a millionaire, but only on paper.”
“I was 13 when I lost my virginity.”
“Taxi drivers are supposed to be entertaining.”
“Taxi driving – the silent killer.”
“I believe suicide is rampant in this game.”
“I can’t move.”
I can’t remember where I live.”
“Oh, I’m home.”
“Where’s my other friend that was with me?”
“Your man in the front seat there will pay.” (*they’re on their own.)
“Straight on pal, straight on.” (*eyes closed.)
“RIGHT/LEFT” (*said far too late).
“Ye went by my turn.”(*repeated attempts to obtain destination were ignored).
“That was a roundabout ye went through there.”
“Run that cyclist down, will ye.”
“He’s a kunnt. But I love him to bits.”
“I bet ye wish I was the one getting out.”
“I bet ye wish I was getting in and he was getting out.”
“Ye don’t drink. Ye don’t smoke. Ye don’t do drugs. What do ye do then?”
“Ye look like a kiddy fiddler in that picture.”
“You’ll be glad of all these coins.”
“That’s a mad place in there.”
“Is this what are taxes pay for.”
“I was dying the next day. Musta been a bad pint or something.”
“The Aviva.”
“Bórd Gáis Energy theatre.”
“Three Arena.”
“You’re lovely, aren’t ye?”
“Why are ye smiling?”
“There ye go and I want change.”
“Do i have to take you?”
“I’m not walking to the top of the queue.”
“I can get in any car I want. That’s my right, isn’t it?
“I was waiting there a long time for this driver I know. He’s a dreadful hungry kunnt.”
“I always pick the newest car on the rank.”
“There’s some awful bangers out there isn’t there.”
“The other drivers will be angry with ye now, won’t they.”
“We’re going to (stated destination), aren’t we? Oh, I was just making sure.”
“Are ye including a tip for yourself in that?”
“hurry up with my change, will ye.”
“Fukk’s sake, keep it.”
“I made a fortune driving a taxi. But I lost it all.”
“Does this seat recline?”
“You’re obliged to take me.”
“Didje always plan to end up driving a taxi.”
“I’m locked.”
“I didn’t mean to be rude to ye. I’ve a few jars on me is all.”
“That’s part of the job, isn’t it?”
“When will the people rise up.”
“I would be from a republican background.”
“Thanks for listening to me.”
“Didje see any of the golf?”
“We hate their country yet we’ll support their teams.”
“I saw a drink receipt for a pub in temple bar once.”
“Up the RA.”
“What’s that annoying BEEP BEEP BEEP sound.”
“I’m nearly home. I’ll let it keep beeping.”
“They took one look at me and they wouldn’t let me in. I’m not a scumbag.”
“As for you, you fukk off.”
“We’re over on a stag.”
“Have ye ever done anything interesting in your life?”
“I was in the casino all night. Ah I did alright.”
“I’m not kissing you goodbye.”
“Sure how would you know. You’re only a taxi driver.”
“This is a free taxi, isn’t it.”
“Ye don’t care, do ye?”
“I’d say ye get kneed in the back all the time with this car.”
“I’m just opening a window.” (*On the M50.)
“I’m afraid of the port tunnel.”
“That was a no right turn. Do you realise that.”
“You’re not recording me, are ye?”
“Is that a police car, an ambulance or a fire brigade?”
“I hope that’s not a crash. I’m gonna be late now.”
“Can ye not just do something.”
“Slow down, I wanna see what’s going on.”
“The black fellas are notorious for interfering with themselves, aren’t they.”
“All I could see were the eyes.”
“Don’t let him in. Drive.”
“I’m not racialist.”
“He’s letting you out, go on for jaysus sake.”
“God be with the days.”(*said inexplicably for no apparent reason)
“Where’s all the taxis?”
“Can ye ring a 7 seater for us?”
“Just shave it off.”
“Is your hair shaved?”
“I can see the stubble.”
“Can I stroke the back of your head.”
“Would ye like a massage?”
“I think you should park your car, come in and join us.”
“It’s full of pretentious arseholes around here isn’t it.”
“They’re up their own holes around here.”
“I don’t know why I go to these places.”
“My wife is obese. She can’t leave the house.”
“That’s a company car, incase you’re wondering about the nordy plates.”
“You’d be better off with an automatic.”
“Do ye not go home with a sore left leg?”
“€2 drinks all night.”
“€10 to get in to the place. Fukk’s sake.”
“Gimme all those receipts.”
“What’s the story with those glasses?”
“How does a taxi become a taxi.”
“Do you have a switch for the roof light?”
“You must love all this rain.”
“That’s a fifty I’m giving ye now.”
“I’ve only water in the bottle.”
“Is it raining? What’s that on the windshield.”
“I’m barred from nearly every pub in Dublin.”
“Where do ye keep your money.”
“Did that mirror meter come with the car?”
“Does the meter still keep going up when we’re parked in traffic?”
“(*loud deliberate sigh)”.
“Ye get a better rate during the day don’t ye.”
“My drink keeps getting spiked in that kip.”
“I’m a good lookin guy.”
“The women love me.”
“What does the temperature say? I knew it was cold.”
“I missed the train now I have to spend €20 on a taxi.”
“I’m glad I’m not you now.”
“Will my car be all right parked there overnight.”
“Where were ye going just now?”
“I’ve never seen you before and I always get taxis.”
“What do ye do when ye need to go the toilet.”
“All taxis should have tachographs.”
“high insurance is great cos it’ll get rid of all the bogeys won’t it.”
“You’re supposed to be a taxi driver.”
“How come you don’t know where any brothels are.”
“It’s six and half a dozen, isnt it?”
“Weeda been better off going the other way now.”
“You’re the taximan, you should know.”
“I want to tell you about something now. Don’t worry I won’t keep you too long.”
“I’d do a great job running this country.”
“You’ll be out of a job when these driverless cars come in soon.”
“Ye don’t drink or smoke? I’d say you’re an awful miserable bastard.”
“Ye don’t drink? Did ye have a problem with the gargle years ago.”
“That’s a cop car behind you. Oh wait, its only a fukkin taxi.”
“I was like you. I went back into education and now I’m a pilot.”
“And you’re happy enough doing this job? Well, at least that’s something.”
“I don’t believe you when you say you like doing this job.”
“This used to be all different years ago.”
“Be careful the taxi man is listening.”
“Where do you go clubbing yourself?”
“Do ye mind if I do a line in the back here.”
“Will ye wait outside incase they don’t let me in.”
“I hope I didn’t bore you.”
“I’m not annoying the taximan, am I? Tell her I’m not.”
“Drive it like you stole it.”
“We’re all travellers.”
“I’ve me PSV license and everything.”
“I sold me plate cos I couldn’t pass the driver theory test.”
“Are there many hacks still driving.”
“If you scratched your head around 4 taxis would pull up beside you.”
“There’s more taxis in dublin than new york. Did ye know that.”
“Wait till I show you where the speed vans are. That’s where they do be parked.”
“You’re all right, there’s nothing coming.”
“Is it 3 in the morning? I was supposed to be home by 9.”
“I hope they have an ATM in there.”
“Will ye go as fast as ye can.”
“We’ll send the babysitter out now.”
“I paid 450 grand for this. now I’ve dole spongers living either side of me.”
“You’re your own boss. There’s a lot to be said for it.”
“It wasn’t me. It had to of been the taxi driver.”
“What’s that noise coming from the glove box.”
“Someone left something on the floor back here. Oh wait, it’s the floor mat.”
“Bring us to an early house, will ye.”
“I was on big brother. Do you watch it?”
“Are there many tourists about?”
“What’s your busiest time of year.”
“You’ll probably take all of January off now will ye.”
“Ye know what they say, make hay while the sun shines.”
“Just do your best son. That’s all ye can do in the end.”
“I hate taxi drivers.”
“Taxi drivers think they own the road.”
“I’m suprised. Taxi drivers are usually moaning.”
“Is this a good job. Would I make money doing it.”
“I owned all this land and I gave it away for nothing.”
“I’ve 30 plates myself.”
“That’s a crap meter. You want a semitron.”
“That’s incorrect. my plates are all transferable.”
“Are ye waiting here for somebody.”
“Do ye not know where your going?”
“Oh ye know where your going, do ye?”
“Yer probably lookin at your sat nav or something.”
“Here, I’m talking to ye. Are ye deaf?”
“I’m only going around the corner. Race back there and you’ll get another few fares. You’ll be grand.”
“Drop me home, will ye.”
“the boom years were good.”
“Oh, we just presumed you knew where we’re going.”
“Howya Graham/Brian/Dave/Thingy.”
“Tell me something interesting. I don’t care what it is.”
“Do ye always work nights.”
“Do ye ever worry about yer woman at home what she might be up to.”
“Keep your light off driving through here.”
“Jaysus fair play to you. I wouldn’t a bleedin pick me self up if I saw meself.”
“This is the longer way but ye might as well keep going now.”
“Are we on the south side yet.”
“Ye know who I am, don’t ye.”
“That’s who I am. Google my name later if ye don’t believe me.”
“Do ye pick up many scumbags?”
“Don’t bother gettin out.”
“Does that boot open?”
“Is this a petrol?”
“Do you shop around before you buy fuel.”
“I bet the driver doesn’t agree with what you’re saying.”
“My marriage broke down years ago.”
“Will ye come in for a glass of water or something.”
“The taxi driver took my phone because I’d no money. Can they do that.”
“Pull in behind that mitsubishi colt. I meant the other side but here is fine.”
“These chicanes are stupid. The yunflas drive faster when they see then.”
“I’m in trouble now when I go home.”
“I dropped money down there. You can keep it.”
“Reverse there now, will ye.”
“You’re prone to depression doing this job I’d say.”
“I tried to end it all there myself a few times.”
“I’m not making ye uncomfortable, am I”
“Do ye mind me asking ye…”
“I’m not paying the soiling charge. I’ll clean it up for ye.”
“You’re trying to make me sick on purpose.”
“Are you enjoying life?”
“Life is for living, isn’t it?
“Us irish are not used to talking about are real feelings.”
“I love you man.”

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