Taxi Jokes
Roy June 15th, 2008
‘d like to compile a list of Taxi related jokes and then link to it in the sidebar.
If you know/hear or see any, please add it through the link below.
Here’s the high standard we’re aiming for;
While out cruising, the Taxi Driver misjudged a curve and drove his cab into the wall dividing the houses of a Mr. and Mrs. Smith and a Mr. and Mrs. Ball.
Thankfully, he was pulled out by the Smiths.
TAAAAADUMMMM!!
Added by JEAN(Diamond Cabs) on 6th Feb;
A Taxi driver and a Priest die and knock on heaven’s door.
St-Peter shows the Taxi driver his new home, a lavish Castle fully equipped with butlers and servants. When the priests turn comes, he is shown a meager Hut with no electricity or water. The priest complains to St-Peter: “How is it the Taxi driver gets a Castle and I only got this small Hut? I ‘ve been working for Jesus all my life, not him.”. St-Peter responded: “Yes you were working for Jesus, but during your Sunday sermons everybody slept. When the Taxi driver rode with clients, they prayed.”
This one is with thanks to Dane, a classic;
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said “I didn’t mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something.”
Taxi driver says “Not your fault Sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver, I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years”.
Not for the more conservative readers, this one is from Driver;
One dismal rainy night in London, a Taxi driver spotted an arm waving
from the shadows of an alley . Even before he rolled to a stop, a figure leaped into the cab slamming the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a naked woman sitting in the back seat.
“Where to?” he stammered.
“Kings Cross,” answered the woman.
“You got it,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what are you
looking at?”
“Well madam,” he answered, “I was just wondering how you’ll pay your
fare.”
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled
at the driver, and said, “Does this answer your question?”
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Have you got anything
smaller?”
Thanks to Lost Marbles for this one;
A taxi driver calls to a house and is sitting outside waiting.
When no one comes, he decides to knock on the door
The door is opened by a twelve year old boy with a big cuban cigar in one hand and a glass of brandy in the other, He also notices a half naked blond down the hall “excuse me son” said the driver, “is your mum or dad at home “.
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK”, Said the Lad
Another from Dane, discretion required and I’m not sure what’s being insinuated?
One woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet either.
I found this, if you find picture jokes …….just add the link;
Another from Driver, our NYC cabbie won’t like this one
An Englishwoman and her young son were traveling in a taxi in New York. As they were driving through a rather seedy looking part of town, the boy became fascinated by the garishly made up women in short skirts and high heels who seemed to be accosting some of the men passing by.
“Mummy” the boy asked, “what are those ladies doing?”
The mother, clearly embarrassed by the question, replied: “I expect they’re lost and are asking people for directions”
The taxi driver overhead this and interrupted: “why not tell me boy the truth, those women are prostitutes.”
From Silverbullet;
Sweet revenge
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket – he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!”
So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
* * *
One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck.
He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line.
“How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked?
“Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.
“And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?” he added.
“What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!”
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied “fifteen bucks” to which the businessman replied “ok” and off they went.
As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
From Phil;
A Washington, D.C.cab driver comes to the intersection of Rhode Island Avenue @ Florida Avenue. The light turns red, so he stops. Meanwhile, this crack dealer in a Lexus has just picked up a trunkload of product and his making the rounds to distribute to his petty dealers. He is in a hurry to get out the product, because his overlords want to be paid, so he is yakking away on his wireless getting the troops ready to receive the product. He is rolling up Rhode Island Avenue yakking away to one of his underlings, so he does not see that the light has turned red. He is doing about fifty MPH, yakking away when he rear ends the taxicab. The intersection is a mess, parts of cars and whatnot are scattered about, a few windows in buildings are broken, baby carriages are hanging from the lightposts and crack is scattered in the street, on the sidewalks and everywhere else.
Along comes Officer Green of D.C.’s Finest. He interviews a couple of witnesses, who describe what happened, as above. He checks out the crystals and determines that they are, in fact, crack. Finally Officer Green goes over to the wreckage of the Lexus, checks out the trunk and finds more crack. Lastly, he goes around to the left side of the Lexus, peers through the broken window and asks the driver: ‘Sir, just how fast was that cab driver going when he backed into you?’
- Comments(17)
[...] Taxi Jokes [...]
A Washington, D.C.cab driver comes to the intersection of Rhode Island Avenue @ Florida Avenue. The light turns red, so he stops. Meanwhile, this crack dealer in a Lexus has just picked up a trunkload of product and his making the rounds to distribute to his petty dealers. He is in a hurry to get out the product, because his overlords want to be paid, so he is yakking away on his wireless getting the troops ready to receive the product. He is rolling up Rhode Island Avenue yakking away to one of his underlings, so he does not see that the light has turned red. He is doing about fifty MPH, yakking away when he rear ends the taxicab. The intersection is a mess, parts of cars and whatnot are scattered about, a few windows in buildings are broken, baby carriages are hanging from the lightposts and crack is scattered in the street, on the sidewalks and everywhere else.
Along comes Officer Green of D.C.’s Finest. He interviews a couple of witnesses, who describe what happened, as above. He checks out the crystals and determines that they are, in fact, crack. Finally Officer Green goes over to the wreckage of the Lexus, checks out the trunk and finds more crack. Lastly, he goes around to the left side of the Lexus, peers through the broken window and asks the driver: ‘Sir, just how fast was that cab driver going when he backed into you?’
Thanks Phil …….added
I have been there many times!
Cheers for that.
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home in Montreat.
As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
“You know” he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?”
The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.” Billy gets into the driver’s seat and they head off down the highway.
A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door and when the glass was rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know
that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”
“The supervisor asked, “Is it the governor?”
The young trooper said, “No, he’s more important than that.”
The supervisor said, “Oh, so it’s the president.”
The young trooper said, “No, he’s even more important than that.”
The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”
The young trooper said, “I think it’s Jesus because he’s got Billy Graham for a chauffeur !!!!!
http://www.danggoodjokes.com/cartoons/cartoons_162.jpg
see if that works!!
Who is the Taximan and who is the Monkey?
As you might imagine, it’s been a trying few weeks…here’s a great perspective that made me laugh even with some truth being behind it..
Some years ago in a village, a Taxi man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the
villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The Taximan now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50!
However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. ‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.’
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the Taximan nor his assistant ever again, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
Here’s some for your. If you do this right it gets a lot of laffs.
You go into a bar and hollar taxi. Some drunk leans off a stool as sez:
Are you the cab?
you reply:
No I’m the driver the cab is out front, let’s go.
To the question, how do I get out (of the cab)
OPen the door.
How do you do that?
Use the handle.
Where’s it at?
On the door?
Where at on the door?
Somewhere near the center. If you need further help I’ll come back and let you out.
How do you diplomatically throw someone out of the cab.
If you don’t like the way this cab is operated your welcome to:
“Shop around.”
The best piece of the joke about the hookers was left out.
“Whats a prostatute mommy?”
“She is a woman who sells her body for sex”
“Don’t they have children”
“Yes they do”
What happens to the children”
“Why son when they grow up they all become taxi drivers.
Another good one
A Taxi driver picks up a hooker after a long nights work.”I bet you would like to sleep with me for $100″ she says.
You bet says the taxi driver. I am exhausted and I need the rest and I could sure use the money.
One dismal rainy night in Dublin, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. “Where to?” he stammered. “Harolds Cross,” answered the woman. “You got it,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at driver?” “Well madam,” he answered, “I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare?” The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?”. Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, “Got anything smaller?
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ‘Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.’
Passenger: ‘Who?’
Cabbie: ‘Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.’
Passenger: ‘There are always a few clouds over everybody.’
Cabbie: ‘Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.’
Passenger: ‘Sounds like he was something really special.’
Cabbie: ‘There’s more… He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right’
Passenger: ‘Wow, some guy then.’
Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too – He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.’
Passenger: ‘An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?’
Cabbie: ‘Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his f—–n widow
while driving down o’connel street the other night a young
girl in tears hailed me ,
thinkin there was something wrong with her i quickly pulled in and picked her up,
she sat in the passenger seat bawling her eyes out.
concerned for her welfare i asked… “jaysus love whats the matter”
she looked up at me and through her tears she said …
“its a bleedin hospital on the north circular road”
An old couple is in a taxi in America.
The taxi driver says “So which part of England are you folks from?”
The old man replies “From Yorkshire”
The old lady says “What did he say?”
The old man says “He asked which part of England we are from and I said Yorkshire”
The taxi driver says “I’ve been to Yorkshire once. I stayed with an old couple. The woman was horrible, a real bitch, it put me off on ever going back to England!”
The old lady says “What did he say?”
The old man says “The driver says he knows you!”
What do you call Bob the Builder in a recession? Bob the Taxi Driver!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why wont KD ever get swine flu????Doesnt affect cattle!!
A
cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and
notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop
staring at her.
She
asks him why he is staring. He replies: ‘I have a
question to ask, but I don’t want to offend
you.’
She
answers, ‘ My son, you cannot offend me. When
you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I
have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you
could say or ask that I would find
offensive.’
‘Well,
I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me.’
She
responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be
Catholic.’
The
cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single
and Catholic!’
‘OK’
the nun says. ‘Pull into the next
alley.’
The
nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a
hooker blush.
But
when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.
‘My
dear child,’ said the nun, ‘Why are you
crying?’
‘Forgive
me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m
married and I’m Jewish.’
The
nun says, ‘That’s OK. My name is Steve and I’m
going to a Halloween party.’
I found this on Youtube and thought that every driver worth his/her salt should see it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWCLlMzX-dA
Very very funny take on the 30km speed piss-take!