Taxi Jokes

June 15th, 2008

While out cruising, the Taxi Driver misjudged a curve and drove his cab into the wall dividing the houses of a Mr. and Mrs. Smith and a Mr. and Mrs. Ball.Thankfully, he was pulled out by the Smiths.

A Taxi driver and a Priest die and knock on heaven’s door.
St-Peter shows the Taxi driver his new home, a lavish Castle fully equipped with butlers and servants. When the priests turn comes, he is shown a meager Hut with no electricity or water. The priest complains to St-Peter: “How is it the Taxi driver gets a Castle and I only got this small Hut? I ‘ve been working for Jesus all my life, not him.”. St-Peter responded: “Yes you were working for Jesus, but during your Sunday sermons everybody slept. When the Taxi driver rode with clients, they prayed.”

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said “I didn’t mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something.”

Taxi driver says “Not your fault Sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver, I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years”.


One dismal rainy night in London, a Taxi driver spotted an arm waving
from the shadows of an alley . Even before he rolled to a stop, a figure leaped into the cab slamming the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a naked woman sitting in the back seat.
“Where to?” he stammered.
“Kings Cross,” answered the woman.
“You got it,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what are you
looking at?”
“Well madam,” he answered, “I was just wondering how you’ll pay your
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled
at the driver, and said, “Does this answer your question?”
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Have you got anything

A taxi driver calls to a house and is sitting outside waiting.
When no one comes, he decides to knock on the door
The door is opened by a twelve year old boy with a big cuban cigar in one hand and a glass of brandy in the other, He also notices a half naked blond down the hall “excuse me son” said the driver, “is your mum or dad at home “.



One woman stops a taxi.
– To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
– You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
– Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
– Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet either.


An Englishwoman and her young son were traveling in a taxi in New York. As they were driving through a rather seedy looking part of town, the boy became fascinated by the garishly made up women in short skirts and high heels who seemed to be accosting some of the men passing by.

“Mummy” the boy asked, “what are those ladies doing?”

The mother, clearly embarrassed by the question, replied: “I expect they’re lost and are asking people for directions”

The taxi driver overhead this and interrupted: “why not tell me boy the truth, those women are prostitutes.”


Sweet revenge

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket – he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!”

So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck.

He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line.
“How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked?
“Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.
“And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?” he added.
“What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!”

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied “fifteen bucks” to which the businessman replied “ok” and off they went.

As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.


A Washington, driver comes to the intersection of Rhode Island Avenue @ Florida Avenue. The light turns red, so he stops. Meanwhile, this crack dealer in a Lexus has just picked up a trunkload of product and his making the rounds to distribute to his petty dealers. He is in a hurry to get out the product, because his overlords want to be paid, so he is yakking away on his wireless getting the troops ready to receive the product. He is rolling up Rhode Island Avenue yakking away to one of his underlings, so he does not see that the light has turned red. He is doing about fifty MPH, yakking away when he rear ends the taxicab. The intersection is a mess, parts of cars and whatnot are scattered about, a few windows in buildings are broken, baby carriages are hanging from the lightposts and crack is scattered in the street, on the sidewalks and everywhere else.

Along comes Officer Green of D.C.’s Finest. He interviews a couple of witnesses, who describe what happened, as above. He checks out the crystals and determines that they are, in fact, crack. Finally Officer Green goes over to the wreckage of the Lexus, checks out the trunk and finds more crack. Lastly, he goes around to the left side of the Lexus, peers through the broken window and asks the driver: ‘Sir, just how fast was that cab driver going when he backed into you?’

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