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Taxi Jokes

Roy June 15th, 2008

I’d like to compile a list of Taxi related jokes and then link to it in the sidebar.
If you know/hear or see any, please add it through the link below.
Here’s the high standard we’re aiming for;

While out cruising, the Taxi Driver misjudged a curve and drove his cab into the wall dividing the houses of a Mr. and Mrs. Smith and a Mr. and Mrs. Ball.
Thankfully, he was pulled out by the Smiths.
TAAAAADUMMMM!!

Added by JEAN(Diamond Cabs) on 6th Feb;

A Taxi driver and a Priest die and knock on heaven’s door.
St-Peter shows the Taxi driver his new home, a lavish Castle fully equipped with butlers and servants. When the priests turn comes, he is shown a meager Hut with no electricity or water. The priest complains to St-Peter: “How is it the Taxi driver gets a Castle and I only got this small Hut? I ‘ve been working for Jesus all my life, not him.”. St-Peter responded: “Yes you were working for Jesus, but during your Sunday sermons everybody slept. When the Taxi driver rode with clients, they prayed.”


This one is with thanks to Dane, a classic;

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said “I didn’t mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something.”

Taxi driver says “Not your fault Sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver, I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years”.

Not for the more conservative readers, this one is from Driver;

One dismal rainy night in London, a Taxi driver spotted an arm waving
from the shadows of an alley . Even before he rolled to a stop, a figure leaped into the cab slamming the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a naked woman sitting in the back seat.
“Where to?” he stammered.
“Kings Cross,” answered the woman.
“You got it,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what are you
looking at?”
“Well madam,” he answered, “I was just wondering how you’ll pay your
fare.”
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled
at the driver, and said, “Does this answer your question?”
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Have you got anything
smaller?”

Thanks to Lost Marbles for this one;

A taxi driver calls to a house and is sitting outside waiting.
When no one comes, he decides to knock on the door
The door is opened by a twelve year old boy with a big cuban cigar in one hand and a glass of brandy in the other, He also notices a half naked blond down the hall “excuse me son” said the driver, “is your mum or dad at home “.

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK”, Said the Lad

Another from Dane, discretion required and I’m not sure what’s being insinuated?

One woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet either.

I found this, if you find picture jokes …….just add the link;

Another from Driver, our NYC cabbie won’t like this one

An Englishwoman and her young son were traveling in a taxi in New York. As they were driving through a rather seedy looking part of town, the boy became fascinated by the garishly made up women in short skirts and high heels who seemed to be accosting some of the men passing by.

“Mummy” the boy asked, “what are those ladies doing?”

The mother, clearly embarrassed by the question, replied: “I expect they’re lost and are asking people for directions”

The taxi driver overhead this and interrupted: “why not tell me boy the truth, those women are prostitutes.”

From Silverbullet;

Sweet revenge

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket – he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!”

So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

*           *          *

One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck.

He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line.
“How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked?
“Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.
“And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?” he added.
“What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!”

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied “fifteen bucks” to which the businessman replied “ok” and off they went.

As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

From Phil;

A Washington, D.C.cab driver comes to the intersection of Rhode Island Avenue @ Florida Avenue. The light turns red, so he stops. Meanwhile, this crack dealer in a Lexus has just picked up a trunkload of product and his making the rounds to distribute to his petty dealers. He is in a hurry to get out the product, because his overlords want to be paid, so he is yakking away on his wireless getting the troops ready to receive the product. He is rolling up Rhode Island Avenue yakking away to one of his underlings, so he does not see that the light has turned red. He is doing about fifty MPH, yakking away when he rear ends the taxicab. The intersection is a mess, parts of cars and whatnot are scattered about, a few windows in buildings are broken, baby carriages are hanging from the lightposts and crack is scattered in the street, on the sidewalks and everywhere else.

Along comes Officer Green of D.C.’s Finest. He interviews a couple of witnesses, who describe what happened, as above. He checks out the crystals and determines that they are, in fact, crack. Finally Officer Green goes over to the wreckage of the Lexus, checks out the trunk and finds more crack. Lastly, he goes around to the left side of the Lexus, peers through the broken window and asks the driver: ‘Sir, just how fast was that cab driver going when he backed into you?’

  • Comments(26)

26 Responses to “Taxi Jokes”

  1. [...] Taxi Jokes [...]

  2. Philon 12 Oct 2008 at 3:32 am

    A Washington, D.C.cab driver comes to the intersection of Rhode Island Avenue @ Florida Avenue. The light turns red, so he stops. Meanwhile, this crack dealer in a Lexus has just picked up a trunkload of product and his making the rounds to distribute to his petty dealers. He is in a hurry to get out the product, because his overlords want to be paid, so he is yakking away on his wireless getting the troops ready to receive the product. He is rolling up Rhode Island Avenue yakking away to one of his underlings, so he does not see that the light has turned red. He is doing about fifty MPH, yakking away when he rear ends the taxicab. The intersection is a mess, parts of cars and whatnot are scattered about, a few windows in buildings are broken, baby carriages are hanging from the lightposts and crack is scattered in the street, on the sidewalks and everywhere else.

    Along comes Officer Green of D.C.’s Finest. He interviews a couple of witnesses, who describe what happened, as above. He checks out the crystals and determines that they are, in fact, crack. Finally Officer Green goes over to the wreckage of the Lexus, checks out the trunk and finds more crack. Lastly, he goes around to the left side of the Lexus, peers through the broken window and asks the driver: ‘Sir, just how fast was that cab driver going when he backed into you?’

  3. Royon 12 Oct 2008 at 6:06 am

    Thanks Phil …….added

  4. Brenon 13 Oct 2008 at 3:05 am

    I have been there many times!
    Cheers for that.

  5. spook_ieon 15 Oct 2008 at 6:02 pm

    Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home in Montreat.

    As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

    “You know” he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?”

    The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.” Billy gets into the driver’s seat and they head off down the highway.

    A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

    The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
    The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door and when the glass was rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving.

    He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know
    that important people are sometimes given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”

    “The supervisor asked, “Is it the governor?”

    The young trooper said, “No, he’s more important than that.”

    The supervisor said, “Oh, so it’s the president.”

    The young trooper said, “No, he’s even more important than that.”

    The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”

    The young trooper said, “I think it’s Jesus because he’s got Billy Graham for a chauffeur !!!!!

  6. spook_ieon 15 Oct 2008 at 6:06 pm

    http://www.danggoodjokes.com/cartoons/cartoons_162.jpg

    see if that works!!

  7. Brenon 20 Oct 2008 at 4:58 pm

    Who is the Taximan and who is the Monkey?

    As you might imagine, it’s been a trying few weeks…here’s a great perspective that made me laugh even with some truth being behind it.. ;)

    Some years ago in a village, a Taxi man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

    The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

    The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the
    villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20.

    This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

    Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

    The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

    The Taximan now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50!

    However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

    In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. ‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.’

    The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

    Then they never saw the Taximan nor his assistant ever again, only monkeys everywhere!

    Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

  8. Capt Flashon 22 Nov 2008 at 4:45 pm

    Here’s some for your. If you do this right it gets a lot of laffs.
    You go into a bar and hollar taxi. Some drunk leans off a stool as sez:

    Are you the cab?

    you reply:

    No I’m the driver the cab is out front, let’s go.

    To the question, how do I get out (of the cab)

    OPen the door.

    How do you do that?

    Use the handle.

    Where’s it at?

    On the door?

    Where at on the door?

    Somewhere near the center. If you need further help I’ll come back and let you out.

    How do you diplomatically throw someone out of the cab.

    If you don’t like the way this cab is operated your welcome to:

    “Shop around.”

  9. Johnon 22 Jan 2009 at 8:27 pm

    The best piece of the joke about the hookers was left out.
    “Whats a prostatute mommy?”
    “She is a woman who sells her body for sex”
    “Don’t they have children”
    “Yes they do”
    What happens to the children”

    “Why son when they grow up they all become taxi drivers.

    Another good one

    A Taxi driver picks up a hooker after a long nights work.”I bet you would like to sleep with me for $100″ she says.
    You bet says the taxi driver. I am exhausted and I need the rest and I could sure use the money.

  10. ralphon 02 Feb 2009 at 8:28 pm

    One dismal rainy night in Dublin, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. “Where to?” he stammered. “Harolds Cross,” answered the woman. “You got it,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at driver?” “Well madam,” he answered, “I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare?” The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?”. Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, “Got anything smaller?

  11. Brendan Jewellon 18 Feb 2009 at 7:02 pm

    A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ‘Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.’

    Passenger: ‘Who?’

    Cabbie: ‘Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.’

    Passenger: ‘There are always a few clouds over everybody.’

    Cabbie: ‘Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.’

    Passenger: ‘Sounds like he was something really special.’

    Cabbie: ‘There’s more… He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right’

    Passenger: ‘Wow, some guy then.’

    Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too – He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.’

    Passenger: ‘An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?’

    Cabbie: ‘Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his f—–n widow

  12. benon 24 Feb 2009 at 12:29 pm

    while driving down o’connel street the other night a young
    girl in tears hailed me ,
    thinkin there was something wrong with her i quickly pulled in and picked her up,
    she sat in the passenger seat bawling her eyes out.

    concerned for her welfare i asked… “jaysus love whats the matter”

    she looked up at me and through her tears she said …

    “its a bleedin hospital on the north circular road”

  13. ralphon 27 Feb 2009 at 6:55 pm

    An old couple is in a taxi in America.
    The taxi driver says “So which part of England are you folks from?”
    The old man replies “From Yorkshire”
    The old lady says “What did he say?”
    The old man says “He asked which part of England we are from and I said Yorkshire”
    The taxi driver says “I’ve been to Yorkshire once. I stayed with an old couple. The woman was horrible, a real bitch, it put me off on ever going back to England!”
    The old lady says “What did he say?”
    The old man says “The driver says he knows you!”

  14. Noel P.on 29 Jul 2009 at 8:34 pm

    What do you call Bob the Builder in a recession? Bob the Taxi Driver!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  15. Decon 31 Jul 2009 at 11:10 pm

    Why wont KD ever get swine flu????Doesnt affect cattle!!

  16. Brennyon 15 Nov 2009 at 9:21 pm

    A
    cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and
    notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop
    staring at her.

    She
    asks him why he is staring. He replies: ‘I have a
    question to ask, but I don’t want to offend
    you.’

    She
    answers, ‘ My son, you cannot offend me. When
    you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I
    have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
    everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you
    could say or ask that I would find
    offensive.’

    ‘Well,
    I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
    me.’

    She
    responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that:
    #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be
    Catholic.’

    The
    cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single
    and Catholic!’

    ‘OK’
    the nun says. ‘Pull into the next
    alley.’

    The
    nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a
    hooker blush.

    But
    when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
    crying.

    ‘My
    dear child,’ said the nun, ‘Why are you
    crying?’

    ‘Forgive
    me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m
    married and I’m Jewish.’

    The
    nun says, ‘That’s OK. My name is Steve and I’m
    going to a Halloween party.’

  17. OnceACosyon 05 Apr 2010 at 1:57 pm

    I found this on Youtube and thought that every driver worth his/her salt should see it :-)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWCLlMzX-dA

    Very very funny take on the 30km speed piss-take!

  18. Charles /Canadaon 31 Dec 2010 at 1:20 am

    The Vatican decided to have a new “sexual test” for wanna be priests,,They were lined up (Ten of them) NAKED..The Bishop then hung a small bell on each of their penises. ..He then brought in a beautiful naked blonde with big Tits .She walked all around the naked wanna be”s ..The Bishop wanted to see would they get aroused..Well all of a sudden #5″s bell started to ring .. The Bishop said #5 you cannot be a priest so take off that Bell .So #5 started to take the bell off his dick and as he did the bell fell to the ground..Well as soon as#5 BENT OVER to pick up the bell and the other 9 got a glimps of his ARSE The other nine Bells started RINGING LOUDLY…

  19. local ladyon 19 Jan 2011 at 10:39 pm

    ye are all bloody nuts .keep them coming

  20. Brennyon 26 Jan 2011 at 10:27 pm

    We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party.
    We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered
    our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

    We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
    The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

    As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard,
    scoots back into the house.
    We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
    eat the bird.

    My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
    The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
    Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the
    house will be empty for the night.
    So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
    ‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’

    A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I
    said, as we drove away.
    ‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass
    with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
    She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to
    wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
    But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out
    into the back yard!
    She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!’

    The silence in the cab was deafening.

  21. Canadian Cabbieon 07 Feb 2011 at 1:52 am

    Jenny decided to have two tatoos put on her body ..She told the artist .I want ELVIS on my left Hip and I want Frank Sinatra on my right hip..So when she came home her husband was in bed sitting up and eating an apple..Jenny said ..Look george i had some tatooes put on ..She then stripped naked and said..What do you think.?? Well George took a look and said.Wow they are great ..Now dont tell me .The one on your right hip that Frank Sinatra, And the one on your Left Hip thats ELVIS .And the one in the Middle .Thats WILLIE NELSON..

  22. bennion 16 Apr 2012 at 2:20 pm

    great to see someting on the web to make you roll over nice one

  23. Brianon 17 Apr 2012 at 5:26 am

    Gardai were called to the scene of a single car collision today, A taxi en route from Dublin to Letterkenny general hospital with a delivery was reported to have collided with a wall.

    It’s sole occupant a Mr Abdullah mansoor Rahim has been removed to the general hospital ICU ,Mr Rahim is reported to have lost at least 26 pints of blood at the scene. :-)

  24. Brianon 17 Apr 2012 at 5:27 am

    FOLLOWING THE EARLIER NEWS ITEM ,STAFF AT LETTERKENNY GENERAL HOSPITAL HAVE ISSUED AN URGENT APPEAL FOR DONORS ON BEHALF OF MR ABDULLAH MANSOOR RAHIM,

    A SPOKESPERSON FROM THE I.C.U. HAS ESTIMATED THAT MR RAHIM WILL REQUIRE AT LEAST 48 LITRES OF
    DIESEL TO GET BACK TO DUBLIN,AS THE JOB THAT BROUGHT HIM HERE WAS ON ACCOUNT.

    MR RAHIM HAS PROMISED TO REIMBURSE DONORS WHEN HE IS PAID FOR THE JOB…..NEXT THURSDAY WEEK.

    ENDS…… :-)

  25. Brianon 17 Apr 2012 at 5:28 am

    IN AN EXTRAORDINARY TURN OF EVENTS TODAY IT HAS BEEN DISCOVERED THAT A MR ABDULLAH MANSOOR RAHIM WAS INFORMED BY HIS INSURANCE COMPANY THAT HIS VEHICLE THAT WAS INVOLVED IN THE ACCIDENT EARLIER WAS NO LONGER DEEMED ROADWORTHY.

    ON HEARING OF HIS DILEMMA MR RAHIM WAS WITNESSED BY A MEMBER OF HOSPITAL STAFF DELIBERATELY HEADBUTTING A WALL.

    WHEN REMOVED TO A&E HE CLAIMED IT WAS AS A RESULT OF HIS ACCIDENT AND OVERLOOKED BY I.C.U. STAFF.

    THIS RESULTED WITH THE HOSPITAL ENGAGING THE SERVICES OF THE IRISH COASTGUARD’S S92 HELICOPTER WHICH FLEW HIM TO THE SPECIALIST HEAD INJURY UNIT AT BEAUMONT HOSPITAL IN DUBLIN.

    BEFORE EVEN BEING SEEN BY THE SPECIALISTS IT WAS REPORTED THAT HE HAD ABSCONDED FROM THE
    HOSPITAL LAST SEEN HEADING IN THE DIRECTION OF NEWMARKET SQUARE.

    ACCORDING TO GARDA SOURCES HE PICKED UP A RENTED TAXI AND IS BELIEVED TO BE PLYING FOR HIRE IN AND AROUND DUBLIN.

    MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC ARE ASKED TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR A MAN WITH A DARK COMPLEXION AND A BANDAGE AROUND HIS HEAD DRIVING A TAXI IN THE DUBLIN VICINITY.

    GARDAI ARE CURRENTLY FOLLOWING UP A POSSIBLE 1,476 SIGHTINGS!!

    ENDS…. :-)

  26. Chason 29 Dec 2012 at 11:59 pm

    It was Christmas eve.. Paddy was just finishing his shift,When he was hailed by two Men coming out of a dance hall..Where are ya goin’ asked Paddy? .To Coolock they said .Anyway on the way the taxi was rear ended at a traffic light and the Three of them were killed instantly…..Almost immediatly they were standing at the GOLDEN GATES.,There was a sign on the gates that read..CLOSED FOR THE HOLIDAYS ,,OPEN JANUARY 2nd ,Signed SAINT PETER…Well they did not know what to do.So they started banging on the gates..After a while one of the gates opened and it was St PETER..He said Hey,! Cant you read.?.we are closed for the Christmas Holidays .The begged ,,Please let us in PLEASE !!!.Peter Said Ok Ok . I will let you in on one condition.Ok!. They said “Anything Anything” !,..St Peter said The condition is .YOU HAVE TO SHOW ME SOMETHING THAT IS CHRISTMASEE..The first Passenger Took of one of his socks which was red ..And said. Look Its a Christmas Stocking..Peter said Hmm ! Ok That’ll do In you Go..The second one .Took out a piece of string from his pocket and a match box .He tied the string around the Match Box and made a Bow. And said Here it’s a Chrismas present..Peter said .Ok I think that’ll pass.. In you Go…Now Paddy looked bewildered and then said ..I have something To show you..He put his hand in his inside pocket and took out a pair of womens underware..Peter looked and said WHAT ARE THEY? ..Paddy said THESE ARE CAROLS.!.!

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